Children are routinely hit, at home and at school. After all, that is the most effective way to discipline them, isn’t it? So why would a parent physically hurt their child?

The reason is anxiety and helplessness — anxiety about their child’s performance and future, and helplessness at their inability to control it. Anxiety about how society will judge their child, anxiety of what will become of their child in the future, and probably above all, anxiety about how society will judge them as parents, if their child does not turn out ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. This also ends up being a conscious or unconscious outlet for their other anxieties, stresses, frustrations and failures. They feel angry with life and this is their way of expressing their anger. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, be expressing their anger onto their children, who feel powerless to respond. This may make the parents feel more in control of their actions, at a time when they feel helpless and out of control in the face of other situations.

They also believe that if they beat their child, the child will be scared of them, and will be able to focus on work, achieve something in life, and stay on track. In reality, children who are hit, learn to steer clear of their parents’ track, and do exactly what they want, just ensuring that their parents never come to know of it! The child feels motivated to do ’wrong’ behind the parents’ back. 

Some parents may argue that there is no better way (or other way) to discipline or bring up children. On the contrary, this is probably the least effective way. It teaches them that violence is okay. It teaches them that they don’t need to respect the feelings of others. It teaches them that they are not worthy of being liked or respected.

That disciplining must involve painful, punitive punishment for it to be effective is another common justification for hitting. On the contrary, this only results in feelings of hatred and dislike towards the offending parent. For disciplining to be effective, consequences must be known ahead of time, and there must be certainty of their being enforced a hundred per cent of the time.

So, there are several psychological and emotional fallouts from resorting to hitting as a way of parenting and instilling discipline. For one, the child lives in constant fear. And, more importantly, children learn that violence is an acceptable reaction to a trigger, and so start practicing it themselves. They act out in school — either by becoming bullies, because they also want to feel powerful at least somewhere, or by becoming subdued, scared and submissive, and become targets for others.  They may slowly stop communicating with their parents and hide their feelings and activities. 

So, parents, find a way to deal with your anxieties and the shortcomings of your past, whether that means practicing meditation, talking to a friend, or seeking the help of a counsellor. Take a minute to reflect on the time when you were at the receiving end of such behavior.